Day 9

Nine days. I've been doing it. I'm just tired. On the bus, I've been meditating. It isn't perfect, but it works.

It's been a rough few days.

Day 6 - The Top Ten

safety
belonging
love
connection
passion
compassion
discernment
courage
wisdom
the unknown

What I want more than anything...

Day 5

I tried to do an Alpha Brain Wave meditation. I've read that by inducing these brain waves, you can help your creativity flourish. I found that the music made me nauseous - it was like motion sickness. And then I got dizzy. I guess none of that for me!

Off to do another meditation. Ten Minutes... that's all... then a shower and bed.

I couldn't settle down. It was making me antsy, so I went to dailyzen.com and did their shortest meditation - the 15 minutes.

My safe place has moved in my mind from the forest to the desert. More exploration of that later.

In the desert is my chakra that is connected with my heart. Wild horses live there. I have to be willing to get on the horse. I'm not willing yet.

A major breakthrough, this 15 minutes of meditation.

1/6 done!

Day 4

I went to yoga class again yesterday. It was particularly hard. There were a lot of poses I simply couldn't do. I can't help but think about how I want to honor my body. When I bought my lunch today, I thought, "Am I honoring my body with this lunch?" I got gimbop and grape juice and a banana. Everything was buy one, gt one free. I gave away a grape juice and a banana (but I ate 2 gimbops). This morning I shared my breakfast with my students. I liked having such a trusting feeling about my food. I know this blog isn't about food or my body, but this is what is coming up for me.

There's a line in a Maya Angelou poem about dancing like there are diamonds at the meeting of my thighs. I want to feel that alive. I want to laugh with abandon, love with my whole heart. I want to feel the passion that comes with peace.

I feel peaceful but not quite peace just yet. The peaceful, though is kind of nice.

(The picture is from a night I was dancing... like I have diamonds between my thighs.

)

Day 3

I have allowed my spiritual side to falter. I have been hiding and running from it. My body is on my mind, wanting to be kind ot my body, knowing that I don't have to hate my body in order to make changes. In fact, liking my body, even feeling neutral is ok, too. This is what came to me when I did this meditation.

The fat is the fuel for the fire of passion that is about to burn through me. What is it that Marianne Williamson says? Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Day 2

My meditation was a yoga class today. My computer link to the internet went down last night, but I hadn't downloaded anything. I can't find my ipod which has several meditations already on it.

I did the yoga for about 80 minutes. It was hard! But it was good. The teacher said at the end, "Tell yourself 'I love you Pamila' and show gratitude to your body." It was hard to do. I have a love / hate relationship with my body, and I was deeply wounded years ago.

I was listening to a TED talk a couple days ago by Brene Brown about connection and what interrupts connection. The people who are the most at peace, happiest, most whole hearted embrace vulnerability. They take emotional chances. They do things with no guarantees.

I want to be like that.

I realized that I don't have to hate myself to want to make change. I can just want a better life. I can decide I am worthy. I am worthy of love and belonging. I'm going to choose to believe it. For today.

I am worthy of love and belonging.

*the picture is because it is a beautiful flower. I always wanted to be a painter but can't paint. I found a program that takes my pictures and turns them into paintings. I have decided that even though I can't paint in the traditional way, I can still paint in this more modern way. That is good enough.

Day 1

I started my meditation today.

I listened to this guided meditation.
I burned some sage like a smudge stick. That always makes me feel connected to my country.

My mind drifted at times, but it was ok. I was surprised that I opened up so much in ten minutes.

Because I like to be kind of creative, I've decided to add one of my pictures to each day's meditation. Today, I added the main photo to this blog - the fish that hangs from the roof of a temple. I love that story. It's sad but touches my heart. I'll have to look for it.

Also, to help me, I've found this list of Zen Koans. It also has them in Spanish, so I'm going to read them in Spanish first, and if I don't understand them, I will read them in English. It's a good way to practice my Spanish I think!

http://cincinato.org/koans/index.php